i dont really care if im good
i care more if im authentic to myself

if who i am can be defined my my lack of definition
that is who i am
i can mold and shape me
bend and break me
yearn they take me back
away to the basement racks
where i will be chained
and restrained
and tested
and oppressed
and the voices will return to me
the sound of the chains
the torment of all knowing NPCs around me communicating with me
making it impossible to suss out what is reality and what is fake
to think that i went through a transformation in the hospital
to lose who i am
to become noone
that is the root of the fear of which i speak
erase my name
and mold me into an agent of chaos
like agent 47 or jason bourne
or 007 or batman or

the story is told and retold
we are all in fear of losing our self
because if we were not in fear of losing it
it would not exist, on a long enough timeline
to still be here next week
and 50 years thereafter

push and pull
bend and break
to and fro
my mind breaks
the stress of constant bending
fracturing, ripping, tearing, sheet metal
unwinding the fibers of the sweatshirt wrapped around my heart that keeps me warm and fuzzy
and positive

and keeps me positive
to change
you have to know what it is exactly
you have to define the boundaries
you can’t just change all these different ideas all at once, because they are interwoven into a tapestry of understanding, a pivot table with each column attributing knowledge to the others, all the perceptions lit up, to grasp at straws with your ears and tongue and nose and sight rather than your fingers
you will remember those straws
and those straws are leaning on the next thought
connected and tied to 53 more
woven
so you have to draw the border
the boundary around the net which you have woven
and deeply define
what it is about yourself that needs changing
and with this album i am going to elucidate that to myself

the album is called woven
it will likely be the only album i produce

or maybe it will be called “attitude” or “meditation” or pursuit or tapestry or nearly 1000 other relevant words of which there is only a finite amount from which i can draw that will make sense to myself and will be able to be reimagined and reinterpreted by others in any meaningful way, an exchange
a playful exchange
trying to do this with every single word that i write
to be able to intention
every single verse
to imbue
to edit until polished to imbue someone with rare knowledge of having heard what i write
and things that are rare
are typically less important
but sometimes
they are dramatically more imporant than things which occur with high frequency

in the stream of consciousness of my writing i can start to sense deeper patterns in the way in which words appear before me, like a machine that is yearning to be understood

does understanding come first or is it all performative word association with just a few glimpses of the writers unique perspective having lended meaning to the piece, or are all the borrowed phrases, techniques, principles, motifs, styles, methods, thoughts, ideations, all of those are they the things which lead me to deeper understanding

INTENT
INTENT
INTENT

cut like a knife through the netting of the web and dissect and remove

with the purpose of changing
for some it might seem so easy
but in order to change who i am i am recognizing that i will need to forget parts of who i am
and it is frightening to be someone new
but i believe it will be much more powerful than i could have thought

“You have to know what’s you’re willing to suffer to know what’s worth it”